We Suck At Sleeping

It’s 4AM. The soft glow of the computer screen lights up a dim corner of the dorm room. The only sounds are the click, click, click of a mouse and the light snoring of my roommate. I’m deep in the throes of a Counter-Strike binge and have class to attend in 5 hours. I look up from the monitor, take a long, slow breath, and realize I have a problem.

This was the beginning of my journey to learn about sleep and fix mine. I was a Mountain-Dew-guzzling, Frappacino-slurping, gaming teen. I barely remember good chunks of high school. I would stay up as late as I could gaming, sometimes with friends, and then drink as much sugar and caffeine as I needed to stay awake the following day.

I’m not sure why, but that one late night in college was enough to send me on a new quest. I’m going to share what I’ve learned with you and hopefully can help you change your sleep for the rest of your life. 

Let’s face it, humans are terrible at sleep. As far as basic needs go, we struggle with this on a ridiculous level.

When it comes to eating, the vast majority of us get plenty of calories (if food supply/money isn’t an issue). We tend to have the opposite problem and over-consume when it comes to food.

We also don’t struggle with using the bathroom. When we need to go, we go. There are small slices of the population who have issues with eating or pooping (often the two are linked). For the rest of us we can do these things on autopilot.

Then why is sleeping so difficult?

How many people do you know who struggle to get more than 6 hours of sleep per night? Or struggle to fall asleep? Or struggle with anxiety that wakes them up?

Relate this to food. Who do you know that gets anxiety when it’s time to eat? Or that struggles to finish a meal or a bag of chips. Or who feels afraid when it’s time to go pee? It happens, but rarely. And when it does people take action.

If you’re fighting with sleep, below are the challenges you likely face and the tools to overcome them.

Sleep Challenges

There are three main categories of sleep issues. They relate to the brain, the body, and the soul. 

Brain challenges are the most common today. This is the struggle with not being able to turn your mind off. There are a few types of brain challenges and we’ll explore them.

How often have you lain in bed at night with a racing mind?

Do you think about all of the things you need to do the next day? Or ruminate about your current problems and the things you didn’t get done today?

These are present moment problems - you’re resisting being in bed.

Part of your conscious mind is living in the past or living in the future.

This is a training issue. You have trained your mind to project itself into another time, rather than being in bed. Just like our biceps or lungs, our brain is a muscle. 

The trick to overcoming this challenge is the act of training your brain the same way you’d train another muscle in your body. I’ve found four tools helpful for brain struggles in bed.

1. Meditation. It’s so cliche at this point, but it works. You don’t need to spend long doing it, and you don’t need to do it at night (although that can help). Find how you meditate best. Some people can sit quietly in the corner. Some people meditate while in the shower or bath. Some people prefer walking meditation. Try these all out and choose one. Then do it every day.
   
   I meditate for 2-5 minutes a day. Sometimes more if I’m feeling very restless. I do it in the morning because I’ve found that works for me. I like using Headspace, but often just sit quietly and watch my thoughts. The point isn’t to do a lot, or do it perfectly. Think of it like brushing your teeth. If you can do 30 seconds it’s far better than 0. Do a little. Do you care if you're a "good teethbrusher?" Probably not.

2. Stop stimulating activities. This seems so obvious yet we need prompting to do it. Remember dorm-room Nick? He was playing an adrenalin-fueled video game and then trying to go to sleep. My cortisol levels were spiked, my breathing shallow. After any kind of activity like this it takes a while for your body to reset.
   
   You need to avoid things that actively engage your brain before trying to rest. You need to avoid things that actively engage your limbic system before trying to rest.
   
   There are a lot of great activities to wind down. Reading something that doesn’t stimulate you too much. Or listening to calming music. Or taking a slow walk. Or lightly stretching your body. Or going through a simple yoga flow. You already know what your body naturally wants you do.
   
   The challenge is listening to it. The challenge is not doing what you feel you should do. Like more work. Like watching that intense action movie or thought-provoking documentary.

3. Create a routine. You need to do the same thing for 30-60 minutes before getting in bed. Every. Single. Night. Why is this so hard?
   
   We do it in the mornings. Most of us follow the exact same routine every day. We even tend to do part of it on the weekend when we don’t have to go to work.
   
   Write down what you believe your ideal wind-down routine should be. Make it simple. I light candles and use dimming lamps. I don’t like overhead lights at night. I won’t let myself work past 8PM unless it’s an emergency. I don’t have a TV in my bedroom (TAKE YOURS OUT! - you have a sleep issue, get back to good sleep before testing).
   
   Make it take 3 minutes or 5 minutes to start. Don't have a 60-minute wind down routine then wonder why you can't do it every night.
   
   You are a sleep scientist now! Test out as many pre-bed routines as you can and find what works for your body.
   
   Mine looks like this:
   * Turn off overhead lights, use candles
   * Foam roll or lightly stretch if I’ve been sitting a lot
   * Drink a little water - I try to practice the 3-2-1 method (no food 3 hours before bed, no water 2 hours before bed, no tv 1 hour before bed)
   * Clean my face, brush my teeth, pee
   * Read in bed (sometimes I’ll watch YouTube for a bit in bed if I’m not too tired - I don’t love this, but let’s be real I’m not perfect)

4. The last tool is to journal and get your thoughts out. Not right before bed though. If you journal right before bed it can get your mind and body excited to take action on things. Instead of sleeping.
   
   I would recommend you journal for a little when you start work or when you finish work. Some people do both. I tend to journal when I’m starting work because I get everything out of my head so that it doesn’t distract me from work. If your brain is being distracted from sleep it’s because there are things in your brain that need to come out!
   
   Let them out. Write down everything you’re thinking about, all of your potential problems, anything that gives you anxiety or stress. You don’t need to solve these problems. Just write them out. Your subconscious mind can work on them while you sleep. You don’t need your active thinking mind to be attempting to work on them while you’re in bed.
   
   There’s no right or wrong method for journaling. Here are a few prompts that I find helpful:
   * Am I doing the things I believe are most important right now? If not, why?
   * Is there anyone I need to have a difficult conversation with?
   * Am I avoiding something important because it makes me feel uncomfortable? What steps can I take to begin facing it?
   * What am I most grateful for today?
   * What wonderful thing happened to me recently? Did I learn anything new that I’m excited about?
   
   Add in any others you find useful too. The point isn’t to go over everything, it’s to get out whatever is inside.

Body Challenges

Body challenges are an entirely different beast. These stem from not feeling physically tired when you need to go to sleep. It’s the times where you lie down and sigh because you’re not tired.

Maybe you have an early call or a flight the next day that you know you need to be rested for. Yet, your body is telling you it’s not time to sleep.

Thankfully, this is an easier problem to solve. There’s science backed strategies that work for this kind of sleep struggle.

Here’s my recommendations:

1. Go to sleep at the same time every night. Give yourself a 30-minute window as your get in bed time. We’ve already removed the TV from the bedroom, right? Even if you’re not tired the first several times, be consistent with the time you get in bed.
   
   Mine is 10:30-11PM. There isn’t a right or wrong here. I’d honestly like mine to be earlier, but I haven’t been able to be consistent with a 9:30-10PM bedtime. 

2. Exercise. If you don’t have a consistent exercise routine you need one. It doesn’t need to be crazy, but you need to make your body tired. Do you have a pet or a kid? How differently do they behave when they play? They get tired and sleep much better. Why do you think you’re any different?
   
   Pick some exercise to do during the day. Lift weights, jog, do a HIIT workout, walk up hill. It doesn’t really matter, but you want it to feel challenging for part of the exercise.
   
   Don’t just walk. I’m sorry, but the idea that you can walk for 30 minutes a day is bullshit. Show me one group of humans that walked for only 30 mins a day before the intellectual revolution of the past 100 years.
   
   You need to move your body so that it is ready to sleep at night. If you've spent the majority of the day sitting or lying, how could you expect your body to be ready for sleep later...which is just more lying?

3. Practice sleeping breath work. Breathe as if you’re asleep. This is a weird trick, and one I haven't seen discussed before.
   
   Remember sleepovers as a kid? You could hear your friend or sibling breathe as they slept. In fact you can almost always tell when someone has drifted into sleep because their breathing changes.
   
   For anyone who practices breathwork or meditation regularly you'll know how powerful changing your breathing pattern can be on your body. You can run and jump and you'll start breathing heavily. After a long run or a tough sprint people intentionally catch their breath. This is similar.
   
   Tonight I want you to imagine what breathing would be like if you are already asleep. Feel your breath working as if you were there listening to yourself - as if you are that friend. What would your breath sound like? Can you imitate this? Practice it.

4. The last one is incredibly obvious, and painful to many, but it bears mentioning. Cut the caffeine until your sleep is good again, then test. It's that simple.
   
   Stop drinking caffeine until you're back into a good sleep rhythm and then add it back in slowly.
   
   I discovered that I'm incredibly caffeine sensitive. I never would've known this if I hadn't taken a break for a couple months while fixing my sleep. I do decaf and green tea now, with the occasional early latte on a weekend.
   
   If I have caffeine after around noon it will wreck my sleep!

Soul challenges

The struggles of the soul come at a much different level. These are the sleepless nights that appear when your life doesn't feel right.

Your intuition is preventing you from deep rest. Or you know something is off with your life at the deepest level.

These can be difficult problems to solve because they are at the level of the unconscious.

They can often be worries we feel for loved ones too. Someone we care about or for may be in a situation we don't like, but are unable to change.

Thankfully, the piece of these challenges that prevent you from sleeping can be tackled - even when you can't solve the issue itself.

Here are some strategies for dealing with soul-based issues:

1. Make a list of what you’re truly avoiding in your life. Make a list of the deepest issues you have right now. Make a list of everything you're worried about in relation to your friends and family. The goal here is to get down on paper anything that feels off. You may simply have a feeling about something being wrong and you can't put your finger on it.
   
   There isn't a right or wrong. This is your subconscious and understanding yourself at that level may not come easily to you right now.
   
   A great way to explore these types of feelings is to record your voice and have a conversation with yourself. It can be a question and answer style where you interview yourself. Or a running commentary.
   
   This isn't a brain dump into a list of actions to take. It's a meandering walk through your mind and feelings. See where the stroll takes you and don't judge it.
   
   Accept everything that comes up.

2. The next strategy is to find a connection outside of yourself.
   
   God, or energy, or manifestation, or science. Find something to believe in that’s bigger than you.
   
   This is such a touchy subject for many people, but belief in anything larger than yourself can lead to more rest.
   
   You can believe that there is order in the universe from physics, or you can believe in a benevolent creator. It isn't important who or what you believe. Every single study done on people who live longer and people who sleep better have strong beliefs.
   
   I don't believe this is a coincidence.
   
   When we are children and we feel safe around our parents or family we sleep better. The same is true as adults. As children we believe our parents are able to solve any problem.
   
   In the same way a belief in something larger than yourself creates a sense of safety.
   
   Call it faith, call it religion, call it spirituality, call it the scientific method. It doesn't matter. The only thing that's important is choosing something to let go into.

3. The last soul-based solution is to find connections with other humans. You need a core tribe, it doesn’t need to be huge but this can impact your sleep.
   
   Similarly to the last strategy, having a tribe makes you feel safer. There's a belief that you belong and that things will be okay. It's not a coincidence that humans from all over the world have tribal/family units they live with.
   
   There's a powerful biological mechanism underlying this. Otherwise we would've stopped somewhere along the way.
   
   As modern humans we've let go of many of our beliefs and moved away from many of our people. We take jobs and end up surrounded by strangers.
   
   I encourage you strongly to choose one or two friends you haven't spoken to in awhile and reach out. Go for a coffee, have a FaceTime, spend an afternoon watching a movie.
   
   If you're feeling isolated and need new people in your life pick one or two of your interests and find a group. My dad recently moved in his mid 70s. He immediately found a few guys to play tennis with and this has given him a community in a new State.
   
   Anyone can do this at any age - it just requires some courage and the willingness to try a few options if the first one doesn't click.

Tips And Tricks

Here's a list of tips and tricks to start trying out today:

1. Use red light bulbs, and a night-light in the bathroom.

2. Get dimmable bulbs you can change from your smart phone.

3. Get unscented candles you can light shortly after dark.

4. Turn on on night mode on your phone/tablet/computer. Put your phone away an hour or more before bed.

5. Don’t sleep in the same room as a phone.

6. Get black stickers to cover all of the electronic's lights in your bedroom. This includes smoke detectors, chargers, air purifiers, etc.

7. Sleep with white noise - there are great machines off Amazon or the White Noise app on the phone.

8. Sleep with an eye mask - test these and find one that is comfortable for you.

9. Make your bedroom cold and dark.

10. Don’t have a clock visible to your face - this can raise your anxiety if you have things to do in the morning.

11. Don’t sleep with a sleep tracker (they don’t work for me - I've tested on and off for 4 years and wearing one actually prevents me from sleeping as deeply). Try wearing one after you've fixed your sleep.

12. Smile as you lie in bed - this helps your brain release good chemicals you can feel during sleep.

13. Don’t wear any of the same clothes to bed that you did during the day. All of your clothes carry the anxiety and emotions from your day, don't bring these to sleep with you.

14. Don’t eat food or drink water close to bed (remember the 3-2-1 method?).

15. Squint for 1-5 minutes before bed, start letting your eyes close. I do this while reading.

16. Hug your pets/loved one, snuggle if you can. Or have a pillow or stuffed animal you can be close with for a few minutes.

17. Be patient with yourself. This won’t get fixed magically.

18. Stop taking any pills related to sleep. Magnesium can be ok, but you want to train your body to go to sleep on its own without drugs.

19. Make one or two changes per day. Don’t do too much, try them out. I’ve gone through 5 or 6 brands of ear plugs, 3 white noise machines, 7 eye masks, a ridiculous number of pillows, blankets, comforters. I sleep hot. The point is to keep testing until you find something that works.